I was going to write yesterday because I feel the second lesson I learned at the funeral I attended last week applied to Christmas but, the day after will have to do.
The speaker quoted Luke 2:14. "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men."
He said that the more correct translation read "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, to men of good will." He then said that the peace on this earth, afforded by Christ, is claimed by men of good will. He said that the man who's funeral we were attending was such a man.
Peace is something that seems so elusive to an addict. To me. At times it is ever present but quickly disipates with acting out or, for me, even just from the memories of what I've done and the hurt I've caused. I feel at times that I will forever be undeserving of that peace. But when it is there, it is only the peace that the Savior can bring. I crave that peace!
I want to study this more. I want to know what it means to be a man of good will so I can start working on becoming that type of man. Because the peace the Christ offers is something I want to claim. I know my recovery efforts and turning to Him will bring peace, and I also know that peace can come to other aspects of my life by following Christ's teachings.
These are just some of the things I learned last week. Im grateful to have been able to be taught.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Lessons Learned Part 1
Friday I had the opportunity to attend a funeral. I didn't know this person. I'd probably met him through work but it was probably brief and more than likely in passing. Everyone knows that at funerals no one talks of the bad things about a person but of the good. But attending this man's funeral and hearing about how he lived his life was inspiring to me. I know the Lord wanted me there that day. I could see it in how I felt during the funeral. This was not an LDS funeral but the spirit was strong.
One speaker's words, in particular, caught my attention. I could tell this man was LDS by the way he talked, (LDS lingo haha). The speaker and the deceased had been coworkers for many years as well as good friends. The deceased had had cancer and while going through his own treatment, volunteered at the cancer center helping those who were also going through treatment. The speaker stated that his own wife was diagnosed with cancer and that when she was going through chemo, this man was there and spoke peace to her and helped calm some of her fears. He had been through it and was now able to help someone else as I'm sure he was at the beginning of his treatment.
Funny, but this was not what initially struck me and was not my intention to share when I decided to write this. But I feel what I have just learned from typing this story is what needs to be shared instead. I'll write what I was going to share in my next post. It is interesting that lately simple stories or situations I find relating to addiction and the many things all of us go through weather we are the addict or a family member of an addict.
There have been many who have helped me on my journey towards recovery. Some don't suffer from addiction. But many do. Some are still in the midst of fighting their own battle much like the man who's funeral I was at. Many I've never even met or held a conversation with but their words, their story, their journey I have read about on their blog and it helps me. At times it has calmed my fears in some way. Or, it has given me the motivation I needed to get through that day of treatment. I can relate to their words and what they're going through and they can relate to me.
There have been, (and are), some days I've been scared, down, or have thought that I can't go another day fighting. That this is too much. I also remember how scared I was to let ANYONE other than those closest to me know that I have this addiction. Somehow, I thought I was part of a very rare group of LDS men who suffer from this, (I know right?!). Not only have I come to know how wrong I was in that respect, I've also come to know how those fears kept me from getting the help I needed. When I first talked with a man in my ward who also suffers from this addiction, I remember feeling relief that someone else knew what I was going though. I remember the strength it gave me to learn from him.
I also remember how I felt when I learned that someone I really looked up to in the ward spiritually, also suffers from this addiction. Again I felt relief as I talked with him and could relate! But I also felt strength as we shared our experiences. Both of these men are farther along in the process than I am. Both of these men are good men! It helped me realize that I too am a good man! I didn't used to think that. I used to think that I was spiritually inferior because I couldn't conquer my "bad habit." Now I know better.
Now when I hear of someone else going through what I'm going through; it gives me courage, strength and stamina. I don't worry about what they're going to think because they're not there tearing me down, they're there building me up! They're going through it too! I see now more than ever how important support is in this journey called recovery. This disease is every bit as damaging as cancer. Hence the terms like "healing" and "recovery." It may not have the same visual effects as cancer, but the support during treatment is every bit as important.
One of the main reasons I have started this blog is to build that network of support as I journey towards TRUE recovery.
I am very early on in my treatment process but I hope that eventually I can also be of some support to others to repay the support that has been and is being given to me.
This story reinforced to me the importance of support. I CANNOT do this alone. I'm grateful that I can see it's value more now. I'm grateful for the gospel and for the programs the Lord has put in place to help us through this healing process. It shows to me that He truly is the great physician. He knows what we need and I know that if I'll listen to Him, I can get better.
One speaker's words, in particular, caught my attention. I could tell this man was LDS by the way he talked, (LDS lingo haha). The speaker and the deceased had been coworkers for many years as well as good friends. The deceased had had cancer and while going through his own treatment, volunteered at the cancer center helping those who were also going through treatment. The speaker stated that his own wife was diagnosed with cancer and that when she was going through chemo, this man was there and spoke peace to her and helped calm some of her fears. He had been through it and was now able to help someone else as I'm sure he was at the beginning of his treatment.
Funny, but this was not what initially struck me and was not my intention to share when I decided to write this. But I feel what I have just learned from typing this story is what needs to be shared instead. I'll write what I was going to share in my next post. It is interesting that lately simple stories or situations I find relating to addiction and the many things all of us go through weather we are the addict or a family member of an addict.
There have been many who have helped me on my journey towards recovery. Some don't suffer from addiction. But many do. Some are still in the midst of fighting their own battle much like the man who's funeral I was at. Many I've never even met or held a conversation with but their words, their story, their journey I have read about on their blog and it helps me. At times it has calmed my fears in some way. Or, it has given me the motivation I needed to get through that day of treatment. I can relate to their words and what they're going through and they can relate to me.
There have been, (and are), some days I've been scared, down, or have thought that I can't go another day fighting. That this is too much. I also remember how scared I was to let ANYONE other than those closest to me know that I have this addiction. Somehow, I thought I was part of a very rare group of LDS men who suffer from this, (I know right?!). Not only have I come to know how wrong I was in that respect, I've also come to know how those fears kept me from getting the help I needed. When I first talked with a man in my ward who also suffers from this addiction, I remember feeling relief that someone else knew what I was going though. I remember the strength it gave me to learn from him.
I also remember how I felt when I learned that someone I really looked up to in the ward spiritually, also suffers from this addiction. Again I felt relief as I talked with him and could relate! But I also felt strength as we shared our experiences. Both of these men are farther along in the process than I am. Both of these men are good men! It helped me realize that I too am a good man! I didn't used to think that. I used to think that I was spiritually inferior because I couldn't conquer my "bad habit." Now I know better.
Now when I hear of someone else going through what I'm going through; it gives me courage, strength and stamina. I don't worry about what they're going to think because they're not there tearing me down, they're there building me up! They're going through it too! I see now more than ever how important support is in this journey called recovery. This disease is every bit as damaging as cancer. Hence the terms like "healing" and "recovery." It may not have the same visual effects as cancer, but the support during treatment is every bit as important.
One of the main reasons I have started this blog is to build that network of support as I journey towards TRUE recovery.
I am very early on in my treatment process but I hope that eventually I can also be of some support to others to repay the support that has been and is being given to me.
This story reinforced to me the importance of support. I CANNOT do this alone. I'm grateful that I can see it's value more now. I'm grateful for the gospel and for the programs the Lord has put in place to help us through this healing process. It shows to me that He truly is the great physician. He knows what we need and I know that if I'll listen to Him, I can get better.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Stumbling Blocks
Tonight before going to bed, I was reading 1Nephi 14:1&2 which says,
1 "And it shall come to pass, that if the Gentiles shall hearken unto the Lamb of God in that day that he shall manifest himself unto them in word, and also in power, in very deed, unto the taking away of their stumbling blocks-
2 And harden not their hearts against the Lamb of God, they shall be numbered among the seed of thy father; yea, they shall be numbered among the house of Israel; and they shall be a blessed people upon the promised land forever; they shall be no more brought down into captivity; and the house of Israel shall no more be confounded."
Two things stood out to me. One was that if I listened to the Savior, I can have my stumbling blocks removed. Two was that if I would not hearden my heart against Him, I would be blessed and brought no more into captivity.
This addiction has been a huge stumbling block for me for so long. It's chords keeping me captive and receiving strength with each time I acted out. It has affected almost every aspect of my life. And dealing with that is hard.
I've been robbed of so much because of being bound in it's captivity over and over again! At times I have been confounded and blinded and that's frustrating! It's frustrating to have my relationship with my wife become so complicated because I was blind to what I was doing to her and to our relationship!
Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed and down because I'm REALLY feeling and seeing the amount of damage that's been done.
These words were all I got out of this chapter. But they're all I needed. The Lord is not physically here but, to the addict or the family member, He does manifest himself "in word and in power" through not only the Atonement, but through the steps of recovery.
He manifests himself through sponsors, support groups, and counselors. He manifests Himself through Bishops, Stake Presidents, and other leaders. He manifests Himself through family members and friends. He is everywhere. And if we hearken to His words, we WILL NOT be captive any longer. Each day of sobriety and working the steps will loosen the bands just a little more.
That doesn't mean that with the snap of a finger all will be gone. I know I will always be addicted to these things and that lifelong sacrifices will have to be made, but addiction will no longer have me for a prisoner if I chose to follow the Savior. The 12 steps lead us to Him. Step by step, but the choice is mine/ours to follow the teachings. What a promise! Over time my stumbling blocks can and will be removed.
My goal tomorrow is to find ways I can hearken to His voice. Because His voice brings healing and freedom. His voice will keep me from stumbling.
1 "And it shall come to pass, that if the Gentiles shall hearken unto the Lamb of God in that day that he shall manifest himself unto them in word, and also in power, in very deed, unto the taking away of their stumbling blocks-
2 And harden not their hearts against the Lamb of God, they shall be numbered among the seed of thy father; yea, they shall be numbered among the house of Israel; and they shall be a blessed people upon the promised land forever; they shall be no more brought down into captivity; and the house of Israel shall no more be confounded."
Two things stood out to me. One was that if I listened to the Savior, I can have my stumbling blocks removed. Two was that if I would not hearden my heart against Him, I would be blessed and brought no more into captivity.
This addiction has been a huge stumbling block for me for so long. It's chords keeping me captive and receiving strength with each time I acted out. It has affected almost every aspect of my life. And dealing with that is hard.
I've been robbed of so much because of being bound in it's captivity over and over again! At times I have been confounded and blinded and that's frustrating! It's frustrating to have my relationship with my wife become so complicated because I was blind to what I was doing to her and to our relationship!
Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed and down because I'm REALLY feeling and seeing the amount of damage that's been done.
These words were all I got out of this chapter. But they're all I needed. The Lord is not physically here but, to the addict or the family member, He does manifest himself "in word and in power" through not only the Atonement, but through the steps of recovery.
He manifests himself through sponsors, support groups, and counselors. He manifests Himself through Bishops, Stake Presidents, and other leaders. He manifests Himself through family members and friends. He is everywhere. And if we hearken to His words, we WILL NOT be captive any longer. Each day of sobriety and working the steps will loosen the bands just a little more.
That doesn't mean that with the snap of a finger all will be gone. I know I will always be addicted to these things and that lifelong sacrifices will have to be made, but addiction will no longer have me for a prisoner if I chose to follow the Savior. The 12 steps lead us to Him. Step by step, but the choice is mine/ours to follow the teachings. What a promise! Over time my stumbling blocks can and will be removed.
My goal tomorrow is to find ways I can hearken to His voice. Because His voice brings healing and freedom. His voice will keep me from stumbling.
Monday, December 16, 2013
From Den to Light
At the end of July of this year, my wife came to me and told me she was done with our marriage in it's current state. She had been fighting on her own for so long and she was done. She couldn't do it anymore. She had pulled the hand cart alone long enough.
Hearing those words was a huge eye opener for me. Being faced with losing all that I hold dear, my wife, my children, my FAMILY. It was as if there had been layers of white sheets over my head. As they slowly came off one by one with each new realization, I would see little by little what this addiction was actually doing to my family and to me. But only seeing bits and pieces didn't give me the whole picture of what was going on. Each sheet brought on new clarity, but I could not see the big picture...until that night. The words, "I'm DONE," ripped all of the sheets off and for the first time I could finally see. What I saw broke my heart. It wasn't pretty. In my minds eye, I pictured myself standing in the aftermath of a tornado.
The difference being I was the one who caused the damage. My actions were the reason for the wreckage, the pain, and the agony, not mother nature's.
Shortly after my wife told me this, I had to go to a training for work. I had a lot of alone time in a hotel room by myself. During that time, I had time to think a lot. That room became a sacred place. I didn't let any outside influence in. The Lord blessed me with many tender mercies that week.
One thing in particular that came to my mind was the story of Daniel in the Lion's Den. Daniel had been faithful all of his life. He had tried to do what was right by the Lord and yet, in spite of this he found himself tossed into a den of lions. Daniel had but one place to turn. The God he had been so faithful to all of his life. Naturally Daniel should have been a gonner. Those Lions should have ate him to pieces. And yet, when the den was opened the next morning, Daniel was alive and okay. I'm sure he was scared out of his mind that night. Who wouldn't be with cats who could take you out in one swipe all around you. Despite that fear, Daniel turned to the Lord.
The mouths of the lions were shut. They had no power over him.
As I thought about this story, it hit me. Sexual addiction, or any addiction for that matter, is as ferocious and powerful as a lion.
Once it gets a hold of you, it's nearly impossible to escape. It doesn't care who you are or how good of a person you are. It could care less how hard you are trying to keep the commandments and it sure doesn't care about your family or those who love you most. It only cares about one thing...FOOD. Unlike the lion, it never gets full. It's never satisfied always looking for more. It comes in many different forms and can be very stealth. But no matter the form, the result is the same. Destruction and carnage.
Now for me, the difference has been, a sort of Stockholm syndrome with those lions and that den. How SAD! For the longest time, I have been too affraid, too prideful, and too blind to see what destruction and carnage was going on in that dark den. I'm mad at myself! What have I missed?! What have I not seen or should I say who?! I'm sad that I'm just now seeing this. TRUELY seeing this!
Yet, there is hope. Sweet, wonderful hope. That same God that saved Daniel from those menacing lions that night CAN and WILL save us from the menacing lions of addiction IF we will let Him. He can save even me! He stands ready at the door waiting for us to surrender our will to His. It will not be as easy as just jumping out, that lion is not going to be so generous. The light will be bright and may be painful. The wounds will take time to heal. And yet, if we do nothing, we and everything we hold dear WILL be devoured. Its not a natter of IF its WHEN. But if we turn to the Savior, if we turn to the resources of recovery, we can come out from the darkness of the den and into the light.
Hearing those words was a huge eye opener for me. Being faced with losing all that I hold dear, my wife, my children, my FAMILY. It was as if there had been layers of white sheets over my head. As they slowly came off one by one with each new realization, I would see little by little what this addiction was actually doing to my family and to me. But only seeing bits and pieces didn't give me the whole picture of what was going on. Each sheet brought on new clarity, but I could not see the big picture...until that night. The words, "I'm DONE," ripped all of the sheets off and for the first time I could finally see. What I saw broke my heart. It wasn't pretty. In my minds eye, I pictured myself standing in the aftermath of a tornado.
The difference being I was the one who caused the damage. My actions were the reason for the wreckage, the pain, and the agony, not mother nature's.
Shortly after my wife told me this, I had to go to a training for work. I had a lot of alone time in a hotel room by myself. During that time, I had time to think a lot. That room became a sacred place. I didn't let any outside influence in. The Lord blessed me with many tender mercies that week.
One thing in particular that came to my mind was the story of Daniel in the Lion's Den. Daniel had been faithful all of his life. He had tried to do what was right by the Lord and yet, in spite of this he found himself tossed into a den of lions. Daniel had but one place to turn. The God he had been so faithful to all of his life. Naturally Daniel should have been a gonner. Those Lions should have ate him to pieces. And yet, when the den was opened the next morning, Daniel was alive and okay. I'm sure he was scared out of his mind that night. Who wouldn't be with cats who could take you out in one swipe all around you. Despite that fear, Daniel turned to the Lord.
The mouths of the lions were shut. They had no power over him.
As I thought about this story, it hit me. Sexual addiction, or any addiction for that matter, is as ferocious and powerful as a lion.
Once it gets a hold of you, it's nearly impossible to escape. It doesn't care who you are or how good of a person you are. It could care less how hard you are trying to keep the commandments and it sure doesn't care about your family or those who love you most. It only cares about one thing...FOOD. Unlike the lion, it never gets full. It's never satisfied always looking for more. It comes in many different forms and can be very stealth. But no matter the form, the result is the same. Destruction and carnage.
Now for me, the difference has been, a sort of Stockholm syndrome with those lions and that den. How SAD! For the longest time, I have been too affraid, too prideful, and too blind to see what destruction and carnage was going on in that dark den. I'm mad at myself! What have I missed?! What have I not seen or should I say who?! I'm sad that I'm just now seeing this. TRUELY seeing this!
Yet, there is hope. Sweet, wonderful hope. That same God that saved Daniel from those menacing lions that night CAN and WILL save us from the menacing lions of addiction IF we will let Him. He can save even me! He stands ready at the door waiting for us to surrender our will to His. It will not be as easy as just jumping out, that lion is not going to be so generous. The light will be bright and may be painful. The wounds will take time to heal. And yet, if we do nothing, we and everything we hold dear WILL be devoured. Its not a natter of IF its WHEN. But if we turn to the Savior, if we turn to the resources of recovery, we can come out from the darkness of the den and into the light.
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