Who I Am

I relate very well to music. I always have. I've recently discovered Jason Gray's music. His lyrics are very personal to me and I can tell that he is being vulnerable in his music. Maybe that is why I appreciate his music so much is because of that vulnerability.

The song "Remind Me Who I Am" really hit home with me. In the song, he is pleading to be reminded of who he is to The Lord. Addiction has had a way of making me forget who I am which is exactly what Satan wants. The more I forget, the less I turn to God and the more bound I am. The Lord though, will remind me how precious I am to him if we let him. I am seeing this day by day sometimes moment by moment. Those moments hopefully will lead to a better relationship with my Father in Heaven. The lyrics speak for themselves.

"Remind Me Who I Am"

When I lose my way,

And I forget my name,

Remind me who I am.

In the mirror all I see,

Is who I don't wanna be,

Remind me who I am.

In the loneliest places,

When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to You,

Who I am to You.

Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,

That I belong to You.

To You.

When my heart is like a stone,

And I'm running far from home,

Remind me who I am.

When I can't receive Your love,

Afraid I'll never be enough,

Remind me who I am.

If I'm Your beloved,

Can You help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to You,

Who I am to You, whoa.

Tell me lest I forget who I am to You.

That I belong to You.

To You.

I'm the one you love,

I'm the one you love,

That will be enough,

I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to You.

Who I am to You.

Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,

That I belong to You, oh.

Tell me once again who I am to You.

Who I am to You.

Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,

That I belong to You.

To You

 I am grateful for good music and inspired artists who help The Lord remind me who I am.. 

The Gift of Temptation

I've sat down a couple of times to blog during the month of February only to find myself too exhausted to complete a sentence. So I'm bound and determined to finish them even if it is a month or so later.

 That being said, the last Friday in January, I had a really good session with my therapist. We talked about a lot of things that had been on my mind. I talked with him about how hard it is to be an addict and a perfectionist, (cruel freakin world)! He gave me a quote from the book "He Restoreth My Soul." Which is amazing by the way.

The quote actually comes from the SA white book. It says, "Often, seeing we've stopped acting out our habit for a time, we feel we're free of it forever. This may just be the time it strikes again. So the realization slowly dawns that we may always be subject to temptation and powerless over lust. We come to see that it's all right to be tempted and feel absolutely powerless over it as long as we can get the power to overcome. The fear of our vulnerability gradually diminishes as we stay sober and work the Steps. We can look forward to the time when the obsession-not temptations-will be gone.

We begin to see that there's no power over the craving in advance; we have to work this as it happens each time. Therefore, each temptation, every time we want to give in to lust or any other negative emotion, is a gift toward recovery, healing, and freedom-another opportunity to change our attitude and find union with God. We didn't get here in a day; it took practice to burn the addictive process into our being. It takes practice to make our true Connection."

I absolutely love this whole section! This completely changed my perspective and helps me get rid of my shame when I am tempted. For so may years I'd beat myself up over being tempted. I had never viewed it as a gift!

I really liked how it said that we can look forward to the time when the obsession will be gone not the temptation. When Christ was on the earth, he was tempted. He chose to obey and as a result was able to cary out the Atonement. He showed us by His example just what a gift temptations can be.

Being tempted is part of this life. It's okay to be tempted! We are here to be tempted, tested, and proven. The choice is mine on what I want to do with that temptation.  And the consequences are pretty cut and dry. I can use the tools of recovery, work the steps, and build a stronger recovery, or I can give in, act out, and start back at the beginning.  It seems so clear now, the difference between temptation and obsession.

I never thought I'd be grateful for temptations. I just wanted them to be gone with regards to this and at times I still do.  But, in some crazy way I'm starting to view them as opportunities. Opportunities to heal, to become stronger in recovery through The Lord, and build trust with Alicia. Each good choice, no matter how small, is a victory. Those small victories lead to bigger victories over time. In a sense, all victories are huge. It will take years to undo the damage it took me years to create, but that's a topic for another day.

This view gives me peace and claity. I no longer look at temptations as "what's wrong with me?" But as "this is my opportunity to make the right choice." Temptations are my opportunity to put the steps into action. For that, I can say that I am beginning to be grateful for opportunities to heal. I know I am powerless over my addiction, and I know I'm not perfect at this and that's okay. Because Christ is perfect, and throuhh Him there can be power over addiction. His power. His Atonement gives back the choices addiction has robbed. For that I am grateful for opportunities to choose Him.

A Firm Foundation

Yesterday my wife and I were able to attend the first session of the Gilbert Temple Dedication. Not thinking because we attended via satellite at the stake center, I brought my cell phone. One of the requirements of my job is that I be available for call out 24/7.  We got there about an hour early and I figured I could get some scripture study in while we waited. When we were coming in,  they told us no cell phones. Mine was hidden under my coat and on vibrate. Alicia asked if is as going to take it to the car. I told her I needed to keep in on me. "You don't normally to take it when you go to the temple." She replied. I told her that I do, I just normally keep it in the locker. She agreed. But as we walked to the chapel, the feeling to put it in the car was strong. The stake center chapel didn't feel like the stake center. It felt like the temple. I told my Alicia I was going to text my supervisors and let them know I would be unavailable for a couple of hours and took my phone to the car.

When I returned to the chapel, I grabbed a hymn book and decided to read the words to the hymn "How Firm A Foundation." It's a hymn that has had a lot of meaning for me lately. Having the stake center being an extension of the temple brought a special reverence there. I had the opportunity to really soak in the words.

The first two verses to me sound like someone bearing their testimony:

1. How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord,

Is laid for your faith in his excellent word!

What more can he say than to you he hath said,

Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?

What I take from this is the promise of a sure foundation if I will but have faith in His word and exercise that faith in Him.

2. In ev’ry condition--in sickness, in health,

In poverty’s vale or abounding in wealth,

At home or abroad, on the land or the sea -

As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

 No matter where we are, no matter what we are going through, The Lord has the ability and the desire  to help us. Whatever we are going through in any particular day, The Lord can and will succor us to whatever measure is needed. What great comfort are in the words, "As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be!" This show me that He knows me, and He is right there with me.

The third verse has really touched me, especially as I sat in the temple today.

3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

These words felt as though God were speaking directly to me. There have been so many times I have felt so very alone in this addiction! To read and feel the words "I am with thee" brought tears to my eyes. That, though I make mistakes, He is still my God, He will not abandon me but help me, strengthen me, and cause me to stand.  When upheld by God, nothing can knock me down for long if I will turn to Him.

4. When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,

For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

Could it be that I can be sanctified through this? I've known my whole life that The Lord uses our trials to bring us closer to Him. But to know I can be sanctified, ME. It brought such peace. The river of sorrow will not consume me because weather or not I can see Him, God is with me, blessing me in and through my troubles.

5. When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.

The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design

Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,

Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

The Lord knows trials are going to lie before us and hedge up our way. Some will be of our own choosing, others because of things that are done to us. The Lord doesn't allow us to go through these things to hurt us but rather he wants to refine us. He is carefully watching over us giving us strength as we go through these things. This reminds me of Malachi 3:3 "And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver:" The Lord only desires to refine us and prepare us to return to live with Him.

6. E’en down to old age, all my people shall prove

My sov’reign, eternal, unchangeable love;

And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn,

Like lambs shall they still, like lambs shall they still,

Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.

7. The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

As I lean on Christ, God will not desert me to the challenges and trials that stand before me everyday. I have felt as though all hell has been unleashed on me with addiction, especially as porn and lust saturated as our world is. Yet recently I have also felt that The Lord is aware of me and is there to help me.

I have not done justice to the feelings and impressions left on my mind as I had the opportunity to ponder the words of this song. It prepared me for the other things I learned in the dedication. I have always enjoyed the tune of this song and have even enjoyed singing it but it has new meaning to me now. Yesterday in the temple, this song was The Lord speaking to me. To my spirit. Letting me know that I am not alone, as I have felt many times. He is there to strengthen me and help me. I am powerless over this addiction. I am powerless over all of my weaknesses. But God is not. He has the power to help me overcome my challenges. His grace is sufficient. If I will just let it be the supply I draw from, The Lord will help me overcome whatever trials and challenges lie before me. It is no wonder that Christ is the sure foundation!