I Wish I Knew Then the Things I Know Now

When the world of recovery first entered our home, it entered through my wife. Something I brought into our marriage, something she didn't ask for. Why wasn't I the one who sought out what was needed to truly heal? Why wasn't I man enough to admit that I needed these things. Why did I get defensive when she tried to explain how she was feeling? These are all questions that I am asking myself now because now, I feel like I can see things a little clearer the deeper I get into recovery.

Lately I've been thinking about what I'd say to myself if I could go back in time and give me some advice. Things I wish I knew then. I wish that I would have done things differently.  I think everyone does at times. But more than anything, I wish I had known what I know now.

First thing I’d tell myself is be honest with yourself! This truly is an ADDICTION with real physical and spiritual ramifications! For years I told myself that it was "just a bad habit." It wasn't until I took an inventory that I truly saw it for what it was. It showed me how out of control my life had become. I thought that I wasn't hurting anyone because all it affected was me spiritually. I also thought that when I got married everything would just "go away." This couldn't be further from the truth. I later learned that the problem was lust, and pornography was simply the drug of choice.

Reading the book He Restoreth My Soul  by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD taught me that there are literally physical side effects from indulging in pornography, in addition to the spiritual side effects.  The book also taught me that the Savior can heal me both physically and spiritually. My recovery truly began as I read this book.

Next, be honest with your spouse. She deserves to know what has been going on. She is as much a part of this marriage as I am. I was always honest with my wife in the beginning. As things progressed, I began to lie. Lying hurt her more than anything. This addiction hurts our spouses more than we can ever understand. It also begins to affect them spiritually and physically. My wife and I recently sat down with our counselor and I disclosed everything, (I highly recommend doing this with a counselor present). Everything was laid out on the table. I was terrified to do it. I didn’t want to cause her more pain. I didn't want to be uncomfortable. It did hurt her. It brought her to the reality of our situation. She described it was someone stealing her memories because, things were not as she thought they were. But to my surprise, this has been one of the best things we have done. Don’t get me wrong, things have not been easy. But from that day forward, true healing began and I have been able to connect with her more deeply than before.

That being said, be patient with her and allow her to feel what she’s feeling. This takes time. It is not something that is healed overnight. Trust and her heart have been broken. She has literally gone through a type of trauma and will exhibit signs of that. She is going to go through a mourning process. Allow her to do it. Be sensitive to her needs and do whatever she needs you to do as she goes through her own recovery. She did not ask for this addiction or the hurt it brings. So be patient.

Third, seek out resources and support. There are so many resources available today! Websites, books, and much more. For so long I thought I could get through this on my own. That I needed to just pray harder and read my scriptures more. When I failed over and over again, I began to believe I was not spiritually enough or I would have been able to kick the habit. There were men I looked up to and thought that if I could only be as good as they were, I'd be able to rid myself of this scourge. I knew I wasn't alone, but I didn't realize that I needed the support of others who are working through recovery as well. I have found great support from guys I have never even met face to face who were willing to share their story and insights with me. I have learned from those who are successfully in recovery that there are principles that, if I will follow, will help me achieve lasting recovery.

Finally, you are not your addiction. Like I stated above, there were times I began to believe I was not spiritually enough or I would have overcome it. I thought that I must not be repenting sincerely enough. What I did not understand was that repentance is not recovery and recovery is not repentance.This addiction is a sickness and although it compels us to sin, and repentance must occur, in addition to the repentance process, the sickness has to be treated. That is why there are the tried
and true steps to recovery.  Realizing this was very eye opening and freeing for me. I am spiritually good enough! My repentance was sincere! I wasn't taking the steps needed to treat this disease. It will take work, it will be hard, and there will be struggles along the way.

I know I have a long way to go, but seeing this addiction for what it is has been a powerfully eye opening experience for me. It has helped me to be more honest with myself and others. It has helped me understand that I can't do this alone. It has also helped me to understand that I am not my addiction. I am a son of God. I have a disease that, through the steps of recovery, will help me recover and heal from the damage done. That healing will come in and through Christ because the steps of recovery are the principles of the gospel that lead us to Him.

Prepared

Recently I've seen one of the Lord's tender mercies that applied to me personally and it came from two different avenues. Right now I'm on step 3. It's been a challenging step for me mainly because the first two steps, at least for me, were more realizations than actions. Realizing that I am powerless over this addiction and what it's doing to my life. And realizing there is hope in and through Christ. But step 3 actually says, "Okay now that you've realized these two concepts, put your trust in God." DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

It requires me to pray, LISTEN, and then follow the prompting.  Sounds easy enough. But if there is one thing that this addiction has done to me more than anything it is having a lack of confidence in receiving revelation. It would be so nice to just have the Lord come down, look me in the eye, and say, "Danny, I want you to do this..." I can do that. I would know for sure it is His will and not mine that I'd be carrying out. But, then I wouldn't grow. With that in mind, I have been asking Him to show me His hand in my life every single day to teach me to recognize when He is trying to communicate with me. And He has!

Lately I've been reading a chapter a day from the scriptures. I've started with The Book of Mormon. I have always struggled getting through Nephi, let alone getting something profound from his writings, but lately I've really come to appreciate him.

When Nephi and his family were in the wilderness, he talks a lot of the struggles they had. They were in the wilderness for 8 years. They had left all of the comforts of home, Lamen and Lemuel were a pain in the butt, Laben tried to kill them, their women traveled pregnant and had babies. Food was hard to find at times, and anything else you can think of when it comes to traveling in the wilderness in 600 B.C. But through this, Nephi did what ever the Lord asked of him. He became, "Highly favored of the Lord" and eventually became a leader of his people.

While reading about these things, I also watched a movie about the pioneers called Ephraim's Rescue.

 It is the story of Ephraim Hanks and the Martin Handcart Company, the trials they went through, and the blessings they received. In this movie we're shown the trials and struggles Ephraim went through and how he came to find he gospel and some of the gifts the Lord had blessed him with. The movie also shows the struggles of the pioneers. Loss of life, loss of limbs, exhaustion, starvation, being exposed to the elements, and many other hardships. Some, like Nephi and his family, left riches and comforts behind.  When the main character, Ephraim Hanks, arrives, he had realized that some of the gifts the Lord had blessed him with, could be used to bolster the saints.

I've heard some of these stories before but this movie touched me. What came to mind from these two stories is how the Lord prepares us through our trials. Many of the pioneers went on to hold callings in the church after they arrived in the Salt Lake Valley. Some were general authorities, some patriarchs, stake presidents, bishops and relief society presidents. But more importantly some were faithful the remainder of their days and blessed the lives of their posterity for generations. Nephi was prepared to lead a nation, his family, and the church. All were brought closer to God.

My point is, no matter the calling or situation in life, the Lord prepares us through our trials and, if we are faithful, and endure our trials well by seeking to draw closer to God and turn our will over to Him, He will prepare and mold us into what He would have us be.

I've always heard the scripture that says the Lord will make our weaknesses strengths if we humble ourselves before the Him. I have always wondered how on earth He could make THIS weakness a strength? It is a question that has haunted me for years. But I am beginning to see it. That in and of it self is a tender mercy for me. He's known about that question since I first started asking it. It has not been asked recently but He knew I needed to see His hand in my life right now, and so He's making Himself known to me in very personal and intimate ways.

With this new realization, I have new found purpose and motivation in my recovery. I understand that something good can come out of all of this. That gives me hope. I also know that the Lord uses our trials to prepare and mold us into what He would have us be. The decision to turn our will over to Him is ours and it can be a hard thing to do. But when we do, amazing things can happen. I want so badly to become what He would have me be. I wonder what some of the gifts are that He has blessed me with and look forward to discovering and developing them. It is not always going to be easy, and I know I won't be perfect at it but, I look forward to getting to know Him better and trusting in Him more.