I Wish I Knew Then the Things I Know Now

When the world of recovery first entered our home, it entered through my wife. Something I brought into our marriage, something she didn't ask for. Why wasn't I the one who sought out what was needed to truly heal? Why wasn't I man enough to admit that I needed these things. Why did I get defensive when she tried to explain how she was feeling? These are all questions that I am asking myself now because now, I feel like I can see things a little clearer the deeper I get into recovery.

Lately I've been thinking about what I'd say to myself if I could go back in time and give me some advice. Things I wish I knew then. I wish that I would have done things differently.  I think everyone does at times. But more than anything, I wish I had known what I know now.

First thing I’d tell myself is be honest with yourself! This truly is an ADDICTION with real physical and spiritual ramifications! For years I told myself that it was "just a bad habit." It wasn't until I took an inventory that I truly saw it for what it was. It showed me how out of control my life had become. I thought that I wasn't hurting anyone because all it affected was me spiritually. I also thought that when I got married everything would just "go away." This couldn't be further from the truth. I later learned that the problem was lust, and pornography was simply the drug of choice.

Reading the book He Restoreth My Soul  by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD taught me that there are literally physical side effects from indulging in pornography, in addition to the spiritual side effects.  The book also taught me that the Savior can heal me both physically and spiritually. My recovery truly began as I read this book.

Next, be honest with your spouse. She deserves to know what has been going on. She is as much a part of this marriage as I am. I was always honest with my wife in the beginning. As things progressed, I began to lie. Lying hurt her more than anything. This addiction hurts our spouses more than we can ever understand. It also begins to affect them spiritually and physically. My wife and I recently sat down with our counselor and I disclosed everything, (I highly recommend doing this with a counselor present). Everything was laid out on the table. I was terrified to do it. I didn’t want to cause her more pain. I didn't want to be uncomfortable. It did hurt her. It brought her to the reality of our situation. She described it was someone stealing her memories because, things were not as she thought they were. But to my surprise, this has been one of the best things we have done. Don’t get me wrong, things have not been easy. But from that day forward, true healing began and I have been able to connect with her more deeply than before.

That being said, be patient with her and allow her to feel what she’s feeling. This takes time. It is not something that is healed overnight. Trust and her heart have been broken. She has literally gone through a type of trauma and will exhibit signs of that. She is going to go through a mourning process. Allow her to do it. Be sensitive to her needs and do whatever she needs you to do as she goes through her own recovery. She did not ask for this addiction or the hurt it brings. So be patient.

Third, seek out resources and support. There are so many resources available today! Websites, books, and much more. For so long I thought I could get through this on my own. That I needed to just pray harder and read my scriptures more. When I failed over and over again, I began to believe I was not spiritually enough or I would have been able to kick the habit. There were men I looked up to and thought that if I could only be as good as they were, I'd be able to rid myself of this scourge. I knew I wasn't alone, but I didn't realize that I needed the support of others who are working through recovery as well. I have found great support from guys I have never even met face to face who were willing to share their story and insights with me. I have learned from those who are successfully in recovery that there are principles that, if I will follow, will help me achieve lasting recovery.

Finally, you are not your addiction. Like I stated above, there were times I began to believe I was not spiritually enough or I would have overcome it. I thought that I must not be repenting sincerely enough. What I did not understand was that repentance is not recovery and recovery is not repentance.This addiction is a sickness and although it compels us to sin, and repentance must occur, in addition to the repentance process, the sickness has to be treated. That is why there are the tried
and true steps to recovery.  Realizing this was very eye opening and freeing for me. I am spiritually good enough! My repentance was sincere! I wasn't taking the steps needed to treat this disease. It will take work, it will be hard, and there will be struggles along the way.

I know I have a long way to go, but seeing this addiction for what it is has been a powerfully eye opening experience for me. It has helped me to be more honest with myself and others. It has helped me understand that I can't do this alone. It has also helped me to understand that I am not my addiction. I am a son of God. I have a disease that, through the steps of recovery, will help me recover and heal from the damage done. That healing will come in and through Christ because the steps of recovery are the principles of the gospel that lead us to Him.