Surrender

A few months ago someone asked about the surrender process and how to do it. To CB I just want to say I'm sorry for the delay. Since seeing that comment I have attempted to write this several times.

At the time of that comment , I thought I had surrender down. It was working very well for me. Finally SOMETHING was working. Whenever I found myself triggered or having lustful thoughts, I was able to be aware of what was going on, stop it in it's tracks, and acknowledge to God what was happening.  Then I'd physically tell Him I was handing it over to Him. In my mind's eye I would visualize myself handing it over. Sometimes this would work instantaneously, other times I had to do the process over and over until it worked. It is so freeing to be able to do that and not wrestle with it myself.

Then I took a small step toward my addiction. I didn't relapse or slip but I did make a poor choice. Although that choice was small, it messed me up for a good two and a half weeks. Suddenly this process that was working so well wasn't working as well. My mind was on hyper drive and it was much more difficult for me to surrender. I found myself trying to control my addiction instead of surrender it to God.

As I have thought about it, I asked myself how surrender came about for me. The answer over and over at least for me is this. The ability to surrender has come as I have really come to understand, believe, and apply the first three steps.

The first thing was I had to truly come to believe I was powerless over my addiction. For many years I truly believed I could over come this on my own. I thought that I would some how be able to muster enough strength when I became "a more spiritual being." It has even been brought to my attention by my therapist that I still in smaller ways, try to control something that has OWNED me for so many years. When I realized I was truly powerless, and that I NEED the Lord, I think that was when surrender became the only option.

Addiction has royally screwed with my belief in God. Through all of this, there were times I questioned His existence. As I have worked recovery and gone through some of the hardest, darkest, loneliest times of my life, I can see that He is aware of me and my family. Very aware. Right now I'm working step 2. As I have been studying and working this step, I have had situations placed before me that were very difficult where the only place to turn was to God, and where only God's will could make everything okay. And He has shown me that; thereby showing me how to come to believe He and ONLY He can restore me to complete spiritual health.

The hardest part now is putting it all into action haha. Realizing it is the easy part. Turning my life over to God and giving up my will is one of the hardest things for me. I want to do what I want to do sometimes. Sometimes I'm scared that what He wants me to do is not what I want to do. Even though common sense and the scriptures dictate that the Lord's will is ultimately what is best. As I am learning to put my trust in Him, I am coming alive spiritually. I am beginning to want what He wants.

I am in no wise a surrender master, but it is working in my life. And like Ben said in his post, what the surrender process teaches us to do is surrender ourselves to God not just the addiction. Because He wants us. The funny thing is, recovery is beginning to turn me into that long sought after "spiritual being."