It has been such a long time since I've checked or even attempted to write here but, today I felt I needed to read a couple of blogs and they were very inspiring to me. I felt like writing somethings down tonight and I have no idea if any of it will make any sense but, they are things on my mind so I'm just going to write. I am starting to see the blessings that have come from living the principles of recovery and I am filled with gratitude for the recovery programs and what they are doing for me.
A lot has happened since last May. In July things got rough again between Alicia and I. She asked for a separation and I purchased a camp trailer and moved it onto the property. It gave us enough space to work on our own stuff but still had me close enough to help with the kids and made it easy for them to come and see me. We set up a curfew and boundaries so that each of us had the space we needed. Sometimes we were more flexible with it and other times we were very strict with it. It was not easy.
We were very honest with the kids with what was going on. We told them in the best way we could what was going on with Mommy and Daddy and that I would be sleeping and staying out in the trailer for the most part. It was so hard for me to see the safety they once felt all of a sudden be taken out from under them.
A lot of tears were shed as I wondered what would happen to my family. A LOT! I can't recall a time in my life where I have felt such pain. Not just during that conversation, but through out my time in the trailer. The worst part about it, it was my own doing. I'd put us in this mess. I had created the un-safety. My actions resulted in the things that were now going on with us. But, as hard as all of this was to go through, looking back at it, there was SO much growth on both our parts. And I wouldn't trade that for anything. Because of this healing and growth in our individual recovery, our marriage is now slowly starting to recover as well and boy is it sweet.
I've been over a year sober and I feel that I have slowly begun to see the physical and emotional healing that is promised in all the books. For example, I am beginning to see things more clearly. I could go on and on about clarity but I'll save that for another day. Right now I'm just grateful that clarity is a new form of life for me.
Recovery has done more for me than just kept me sexually sober. It has taught me that I am worth something. I'm not the low life peace of crap that I used to think that I was. Despite my mistakes, I am worth something. I am more confident in myself and don't worry so much about what other people think of me. I say "so much" because it creeps back in and I have to work at it all the time. But it's getting better. That's just one aspect of it. Another aspect is the improvement in my relationship with God and Christ and learning to turn my life and will over to them. What sweet gifts! What sweet fruits!
Real recovery is hard. It's not easy and it's not supposed to be. I don't pretend to be perfect at it at all. I make mistakes and do my best to own them rather than use denial and secrecy to hide them but, I'm not perfect at it. Like I said earlier, recovery; REAL bloody your knuckles RECOVERY has some of the sweetest fruits you could imagine. I have A LOT more work to do. But I feel like I am becoming a different person. As a result, it is starting to affect just about every aspect of my life. With rewards like this, I can handle the pains that come with healing.